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Hold on a minute, I think theres one around here somewhere. :jerkit; :rofl;
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes. 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 12. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 16. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time. 17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 20. Duct tape is like the Force--It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 24. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt...then things get worse. 26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". 28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...aro und age 11. 30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often. 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it! 15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone "A study in the WashingtonPost says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New Yorksaid, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I''ll have another beer." - W. C. Fields
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
lmao, that is a funny one.....I like it...lol
If the indians had shot a cat instead of a turkey, we'd all be eating pussy for Thanksgiving !
A lucky man will be eating both!!
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Topic: Quotes that should be added to the "random quote" box. (Read 15874 times)
