Funny Joke thread

[Steve Wood]

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, "Yankele and
Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"
The wise old Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will
be the lucky one."
______________ ______________ ______________ _________

If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses
an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?

------------------------------------------------------------

My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the
family." I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a
schmuck?"

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Jewish Marriage advice: "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may
leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who
cares?"

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The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

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Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but
she'll never forget what she forgave."

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A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honors its Rabbi for 25
years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses
paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude
woman lying on the bed.

She greets the Rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something
extra that the President of the shul arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the
President of the shul and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you
thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our
religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard
the end of this"

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not
angry with you."

[Charlief1]

  Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

[Steve Wood]

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. So they charged one and let the other one off.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

[daveismissing]

You are now stooping to my level

[SuperSix]

You are now stooping to my level

Nowhere near that low.

[Steve Wood]

You are now stooping to my level

this is getting close to Dave's level


"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

[daveismissing]

Thank you for making me draw even more attention to m'self across the cubicle farm.
ROAR LOL etc

Nice to work in a environ of braniacs and eccentrics, one ALMOST blends in....

PS Supersix: up yours

[daveismissing]

And this just shared with me:

"Robin Gibb may be seriously ill and in a coma, but at least
he's staying alive."

[gbsean]

how do you sink an Irish submarine

knock on the door

how do you confuse an Irishman

put him in a round room and tell him to sit in a corner

how do you confuse another Irishman

line up 3 shovels and tell him to take his pick

[SuperSix]

And this just shared with me:

"Robin Gibb may be seriously ill and in a coma, but at least
he's staying alive."

 

[Steve Wood]

And this just shared with me:

"Robin Gibb may be seriously ill and in a coma, but at least
he's staying alive."

LOL...like it

[daveismissing]

[gbsean]

Bee Gees singer Robin Gibb wakes from coma and he said "I am Stayin Alive"

[Steve Wood]

Woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

 

The Doctor asks: "What happened?"

 

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me up"

 

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a mouthful of sweet tea and swish it around in your mouth. Keep on swishing, don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep".

 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

 

The woman says: "Doctor; that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"   

 

The Doctor says…….

 

……."The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!"

[Texas Turbo T]

(Heard this on a late night show last night)
Obama is having a Cinco de Mayo party at the White House tonight. To keep with tradition, guest will have to jump the fence to get in!