Funny Joke thread

[$1987 GN$]

AJ___

[Steve Wood]

The  Irish  Millionaire
 
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who  Wants To Be  A Millionaire'
 and towards the end of the program had  already won 500,000  euros.
 
 "You've done very  well so far,"  said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 
 "but  for a million euros you've only got  one life-line left, phone a friend. 
 Everything is riding on this  question.  Will you go for  it?"
 
"Sure,"  said Mick. "I'll have a  go!"
 
 "Which of the  following birds  does NOT build its own nest?
 
a)   Sparrow
 

 
     

 

 b)   Thrush,
 

 
 
     

 

 c)   Magpie,
 

   
 
 
     

 

 d)   Cuckoo?"
 

   
 


"I  haven't got a clue." said  Mick,
 

 

 ''So  I'll use my last  lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin   ..."
 

   
 
 
Mick  called up his mate, and told  him the circumstances and
 repeated the  question to  him.
 

 "Fookin  hell, Mick!" cried  Paddy. 
 "Dat's  simple it's a cuckoo."
 "Are  you sure?"
 "I'm fookin   sure."
 
 Mick hung up the  phone and told Chris,
 "I'll go  with cuckoo as my answer."
 
 "Is that your final answer?"  asked  Chris.
 
 "Dat it  is."
 
 There was a long,  long pause  and then the presenter screamed,
 "Cuckoo is the correct answer!    Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
 
 The  next night, Mick invited Paddy  to their local pub to buy him a  drink.
 
 "Tell me, Paddy?  How in  Heaven's name did you  know  it  was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own  nest?"
 
 
 "Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
 
 

[$1987 GN$]

Top Ten  Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women




And here  we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 -  You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the  road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will  probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun  doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun  will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't  take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every  day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make  me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you  use it.


And the  Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over  women.....
#1 - You  can buy a silencer for a gun


AJ___

[Charlief1]

LOL So very true!

[daveismissing]

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty,the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating whether to approach her,when all of a sudden,she begins to cough, clutching her throat,and begin to turn blue. (obviously in serious respiratory distress).

One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!' The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked,"Can you breath?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief.

At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work!"

[Charlief1]

Now for the real story.
 
A Texan and a Kansan were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating whether to approach her,when all of a sudden,she begins to cough, clutching her throat,and begin to turn blue. (obviously in serious respiratory distress).

The Texan said to the Kansan, "That there gal is having a bad time!' The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "Go ahead," said the Texan, and with that the Kansan ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked,"Can you breath?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief.

At which point, the Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, I guess that Kansas hind lick maneuver works on more than the sheep you're used to!"

[daveismissing]

[Texas Turbo T]

LOL

[daveismissing]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a
good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to
sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful
friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that
Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorological ly, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that
we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it
tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone
has stolen our tent!"

[Steve Wood]

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


DICK CHENEY: Where's my shotgun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?


AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.


DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.


OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: What?, Did I miss one?

[daveismissing]

[daveismissing]

.....

[Steve Wood]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
         
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
             
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
             
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
             
"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...
the history, the beer, the culture..."
             
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.
"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
             
"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.
             
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[daveismissing]

[daveismissing]