Funny Joke thread

[Wrecked Em]

[Steve Wood]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.Looking up to heaven he said,'Lord take pity on me.If you find me a parking place

                I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
                
                 Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said,never mind, I found one.
                
                ~~~~~~~~~~
                  
                
                Paddy was in  New York .
                
                He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
                
                He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
                
                After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
                
                
                `````````````
                
                Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
                the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
                
                'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
                
                'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.   'Where are ye callin' from?'
                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                
                An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
                car.
                
                He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
                
                'Just water,' says the priest.
                
                The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
                
                The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
                
                
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                
                Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
                
                'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
                
                'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and
                knees.'
                
                'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?'
                
                She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
                
                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                
                Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
                
                He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
                landing especially painful.
                
                Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
                
                He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
                
                In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
                
                She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
                
                Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
                
                'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[ULYCYC]

[SuperSix]

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists)
being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian
Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government
and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan
National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .

You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of
National De fence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for
Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto
next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in
your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will
help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers.

We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your
next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known
to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over
time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and
religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow
man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense

[daveismissing]

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

[$1987 GN$]

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists)
being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian
Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government
and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan
National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .

You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of
National De fence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for
Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto
next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in
your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will
help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers.

We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your
next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known
to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over
time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and
religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow
man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense

Sad but probably true.

AJ___

[Wrecked Em]

[Wrecked Em]

[Wrecked Em]

[Wrecked Em]

[daveismissing]

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically ." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."

[Charlief1]

A Texas stae trooper is driving down the highway and sees a car on the side of the road. He's required by law to stop and offer assitance. As he walks closer with his hand on his sidearm, he notices a lady trapped under the hood of the car. Walking slowly foward and carefully he says, "You alright mam"? She responds "HELP, HELP! MY CAR BROKE DOWN AND I WAS RAPED BY A COWBOY"!

The officer lifts the hood off her and asks "How do you know it was a coyboy mam? What happened?"

"Well as I was driving down the highway my car started making a noise so I pulled over. I lifted the hood to take a look and the hood came down on me trapping me under it. I heard a vehicle pull up with loud exhast and the smell of butllshit. I yelled that I was trapped under the hood and he asked if I could move. When I told him that I couldn't move at all he asked me if I was sure. That's when he raped me!.

The officer not sure how to handle this asked her "how do you know it was a cowboy mam?"

She calmly told she new exaly how to identify a cowboy. "He had a great big belt buckle and a little bitty dick!"

[$1987 GN$]

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE $@%^&$ PORRIDGE YET !

Not mine but funny.

AJ___

[daveismissing]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

[daveismissing]

Old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'