Funny Joke thread

[Wrecked Em]

[Wrecked Em]

[Steve Wood]

You're an EXTREME redneck when....
        
        1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.  
        2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.  
        
        3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.  
        
        4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
        
        5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.  
        
        6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.  
        
        7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.  
        
        8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.  
        
        9. Your junior prom offered day care.  
        
        10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.  
        
        11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.  
        
        12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
        
        13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.  
        
        14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.  
        
        15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.  
        
        16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.  
        
        17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[tb3]

husband farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and looks at his wife on the bed and says, "see... this is the fat old goat I've been bangin!"
wife says, "you stupid idiot! that's not a goat!!!"
husband says, "I wasn't  talking to you!"

[$1987 GN$]

husband farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and looks at his wife on the bed and says, "see... this is the fat old goat I've been bangin!"
wife says, "you stupid idiot! that's not a goat!!!"
husband says, "I wasn't

[Charlief1]

He's a yankee AJ, not a southerner. Can't you tell by his posts?

[tb3]

oh'snapp is a southerner  

[Charlief1]

oh'snapp is a southerner

[Wrecked Em]

[Steve Wood]

not funny

[SuperSix]

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN:  "Hello"

WOMAN:  "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN:  "Yes."

WOMAN:  "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It's only $2,000.  Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN:  "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN:  "How much?"

WOMAN:  "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.  I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.  They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!  I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up.  The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Steve Wood]

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She
        came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
        
        
        She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
        straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
        
        
        The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
        
        
        
        
        One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...'I think the
        man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'
        
        
        
        The teacher had to leave the room

[Charlief1]

LOL

[$1987 GN$]

Not mine but g00d.

A member of parliament met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $2500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to his office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for 1250 and enclosed the following typed note:

   Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $1250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place.

I was under the impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat;
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I since realised that:
1 - it had been previously occupied,
2 - there wasn't any heat, and
3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent the following note:


   Dear Sir:
1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
2 - As for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you had aspired to turn it on.
3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you didn't have enough furniture to fill it, then the management could not be held responsible. Therefore please send the other half of the agreed rent or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

AJ___

[Wrecked Em]