Funny Joke thread

[Charlief1]

LOL

[$1987 GN$]

Old guys are always considerate...

 
I was in Costco, London, the other day, pushing a cart around, when I collided with a young guy also pushing his cart.


 

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.."


 

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.


 

So, I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"


 

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"


 

I said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."



AJ___[flipv][/flipv]

[Charlief1]

?

 *The wife and I were at home watching TV.*

 *I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a*

 *fishing channel and the porn channel.*

 *She became more and more annoyed and finally said:*

 *"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!*

 *You already know how to fish!"*

[$1987 GN$]

?

 *The wife and I were at home watching TV.*

 *I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a*

 *fishing channel and the porn channel.*

 *She became more and more annoyed and finally said:*

 *"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!*

 *You already know how to fish!"*

OUCH ! ! !

AJ___

[$1987 GN$]

Things Got Ya Down?  Well Then, Consider These . . ..

 

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural.

 No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next  Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was  all about.  Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.  Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


AJ___

[$1987 GN$]

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing  frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank  of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

AJ___

[$1987 GN$]

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was
where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.


 I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new
children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product
name.



 There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Durban, but I've been
banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.



 A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you
describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat
yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."



 A mate of mine has just told me he's screwing his girlfriend and
her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her
brother's got a mustache."



 Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip,
I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel
in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular
porn, you sick bastard."


AJ___

[Steve Wood]

LOL....I like the South African ones best!

[Charlief1]

LOL

[Steve Wood]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE  UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it..  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

  

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

[Charlief1]

LOL

[Charlief1]

Welfare Check


A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.  We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to
satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it.."

[Steve Wood]

to true to be funny, but, I laughed anyway

[daveismissing]

Mother's lack of faith is disturbing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R55e-uHQna0&feature=player_embedded

[Charlief1]

There are no bargains in the basement !!







A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

(scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store-owner opened a "New Wives Store" just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited