Funny Joke thread

[Pyro6]

That's just wrong

[daveismissing]

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and
thought they should go to college to get ahead.  The first goes in to
see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History and Logic.

"What's 'Logic'?", the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying:  "Let me give you an example.
Do you own a weedeater"?


"Yup. Sure do".

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard", replied the
professor.

"That's real good!" says the redneck.

The professor continues:  "Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck says:  "Amazin'!"

"And, since you own a house, logic dictates that you probably have a
wife".


"That's Betty-Mae!  This is incredible!"

The redneck is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, I can logically conclude that you
are heterosexual", said the professor.

 "You're absolutely right!  Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I
ever did hear!  I can't wait to take that there logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back
into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.  "So what classes
are ya takin'?" asks the friend.

"Math, History and Logic!" replies the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is 'Logic'??" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example.  Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first
redneck.

"No", his friend replied.

"Fag!"

[SuperSix]

[stevemon]

 
 
 
 
Wisdom of An Older Man
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere.'</blockquote>

[Steve Wood]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

 Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

 The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[motorhead]

3 guys walk into a bar
http://www.hell.tv/t/videos/11311/magic-apples.html

Okay... that was good.

[SuperSix]

 

[Texas Turbo T]

Heading to Mexico!

[$1987 GN$]

Heading to Mexico!

That is funny. But so true.

AJ___

[daveismissing]

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make my girlfriend look more appealing.

[daveismissing]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'.
 
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'.

[phil_long]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'.
 
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'.

[daveismissing]

[daveismissing]

[Pyro6]

  Two good ones Dave, good way to start my day.