Funny Joke thread

[daveismissing]

[Steve Wood]

  A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
 
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
 
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
 
  'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't
  mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
 
  'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the
   duck's pint.

  'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing
   round this way?'
 
  'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the
   duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
 
  The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
  more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag
  and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer,
  eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
 
  The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes
  to town.
 
  The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to
  him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
  could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
  sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
 
  'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business
   card. 'Get him to give me a call.'
 
  So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
  'Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
  money.'
 
  'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
 
  'At the circus,' says the barman.
 
  'The circus?' repeats the duck.
 
  'That's right,' replies the barman.
 
  'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
 
  'Yeah,' the barman replies.
 
  'With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in
  caravans?' says the duck.
 
  'Of course,' the barman replies.
 
  'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
  the middle?' persists the duck.
 
  'That's right!' says the barman.
 
  The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . .
 
 
 
'What the f *** would they want with a plasterer ??!'

[Pyro6]

 

[SuperSix]

    An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

     

    Dear Vincent,

    I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

    Love, Papa

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden.

That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

[Steve Wood]

 

[1980monteturbo]

some of the guys here already read this one

I woke up this morning, got dressed and went to the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking, and I saw one of my socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?", I asked. "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk", she replied. Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

[Charlief1]

  For all 3 of you.

[daveismissing]

[SuperSix]

[Steve Wood]

I wish we had good tv like them there Canucks

Just For Laughs - Jesus Makes Money

[daveismissing]

[Pyro6]

Prius = funny car for funny people.

[daveismissing]

[daveismissing]

[ULYCYC]

3 guys walk into a bar
http://www.hell.tv/t/videos/11311/magic-apples.html