Funny Joke thread

[Steve Wood]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
                
                
                        Doctor: "What happened?"
                        
                        Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
                        
                        Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
                        
                        Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
                        
                        Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
                        
                        Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[Zap]

misogynist

[Pyro6]

Genius.

[$1987 GN$]

So which thread are we gonna use?

AJ___

[Steve Wood]

funny ones go here....as the title suggests

[$1987 GN$]

Newfie bank loan
  
A Newfie walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loans officer.
He told the loans officer that he was going to Newfoundland on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 however he was not a depositor of the bank.The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Newfie handed over the keys to a Buick. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
 
 The Newfie produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
 
 Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Newfie for using a $100,000 Buick as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Buick into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Newfie returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionai re.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Newfie replied: 'Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

AJ___

[ULYCYC]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[$1987 GN$]

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Tim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear
under her dress! Shocked by this, Tim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Tim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, Tim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Tim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Tim didn't, Tim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Tim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Tim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Tim come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"


Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a pokerplayer!

AJ___

[$1987 GN$]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.  
A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red,orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.

The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.  I was wondering if you were my son."

AJ___

[$1987 GN$]

Zap walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
Zap says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
Zap says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us.  

AJ___

[Zap]

true story

[Steve Wood]

MILITARY WORDS OF WISDOM
        
        "If the enemy is in range, so are you."
        
        
         - Infantry Journal
         ---------------------------------------------
        "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
              U.S. Air Force Manual
         ---------------------------------------------
        
        
        "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
        - General MacArthur
         ---------------------------------------------
        
         "You, you, and you .... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
         - U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
        > ---------------------------------------------
        
         "Tracers work both ways."
         -  U.S.    Army Ordnance
         ---------------------------------------------
        
         "Five second fuses only last three seconds."
         - Infantry Journal
         ---------------------------------------------
         "Any ship can be a minesweeper... .Once."
         ---------------------------------------------
         "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
         - Unknown Marine Recruit
         ---------------------------------------------
         Clean it, if it's Dirty.
         Oil it, if it Squeaks.
         But:  Don't Screw with it if it Works!
         USAF Electronic Technician
         ----------------------------------------------------------------
         "If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."
            USAF  - Ammo Troop
         --------------------------------------------
        
         "Yea, Though I Fly Through the  Valley    of  Death    ,
         I Shall Fear No Evil.
         For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
         ---------------------------------------------
        
         "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
         - Paul F. Crickmore ( test pilot, SR-71 )
         ---------------------------------------------
        
         A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude:
         Latitude is Where We are Lost,
         &
         Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There!
         USAF Navi-guesser
         --------------------------------------------
        
         "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
         ---------------------------------------------  
         "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case "
         ---------------------------------------------
        
         "When one engine fails on a twin-engine air plane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
         ---------------------------------------------
        
         "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
         If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
         If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
         ---------------------------------------------
        
         The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:
         "Why is it doing that?"
         "Where are we?"
        > and
         "Oh Sh..t!"
         --------------------------------------------
        
        
        "Airspeed, altitude and brains.
         Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
         --------------------------------------------
        
         "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation.
         We never left one up there!"
         ---------------------------------------------
        
         "Flying the air plane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
         -------------------------------------------
        
        
        
         "The Piper Cub is the safest air plane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
         - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
         ---------------------------------------------
        
         "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
         - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
        
        
        ---------------------------------------------
        
         "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
        Heard muttered by Dale Woods!
        
        
        ---------------------------------------------
        
         "You know that your landing gear is up and locked
         when it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."
         ---------------------------------------------
        
         As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"  The pilot's reply: "Beats the sh...t outta me,  I just got here myself."

[Charlief1]

An Aggie was walking down the street and saw a sign that said "wet cement". So he did.  

[Steve Wood]

teasip cement, of course

[$1987 GN$]

Nasty Wendy walks into an H & R Block Tax accountant's office and tells him
 that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we
 begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her proper name,
 address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your
 occupation?"

 "I'm a whore," she says..

 The H & R Block accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No,
 No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

Nasty Wendy says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

 "No, that still won't work. Try again."

 They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
 chicken farmer."

 The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being
 a prostitute?"

 "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

 "Chicken Farmer it is."

MERRY CHRISTMAS AJ___