The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[daveismissing]

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[daveismissing]

[gnonyx]

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

[gnonyx]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St.
Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such
exemplary lives that the Lord is granting
you six months to go back to earth and be
anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia
Loren;"
And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna
and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara
Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he
asked.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm
sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a
bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her
habit and hands it to St. Peter .
St. Peter reads the paper and starts
laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
"No sister, the paper says it was the '
Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400
men in 6 months."

[gnonyx]

A wife treats hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday...
At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hi Jim, How are You?"
The wife asks, "How does he know you?
Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team."
Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??"
The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi...
The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!

[Charlief1]

 

[phil_long]

Lol.  Damn

[Pyro6]

Lesson learned.

[$1987 GN$]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts,  "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes.  As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both...

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,
"My bike."

[Charlief1]

 

[SuperSix]

[daveismissing]

The Lone Ranger's Last Request



The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
​


The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...
​


"In honour of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days." ​

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"​

"What is your FIRST request???' ​

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. ​

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",​

"But I will still kill you in two days." ​

"What is your SECOND request???" ​


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. ​

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. ​

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night. ​

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"​

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."​

"What is your LAST request " ​

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone." ​

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.​

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, ​

"READ MY LIPS!!!!" ​

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... ​



"BRING POSSE" !!! ​

[Pyro6]

 

[daveismissing]

[gnonyx]

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”