The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[Charlief1]

 

[Steve Wood]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day.  As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.  After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
"First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.  After half an hour he
returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest!  Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine."  Half an hour later, he
returns with tears in his eyes.  "What happened?" they asked.  "Who the heck is Obama?"

[Charlief1]

 

[daveismissing]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

[Steve Wood]

LOL

[daveismissing]

My wife said "Fix that gutter downspout TODAY!"
 
 So I invited the boys over. One brought his welder the others brought beer. Took us about 4 hours, mostly for the beer, but we got the downspout fixed. Wife is still speechless... I'm certain not for much longer though.

 

[daveismissing]

....

[Steve Wood]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

[Steve Wood]

            THE REASON TO LOVE OLD WOMEN.......

             

             

            She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. As she stood there, brushing some of the

            dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one

            hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

             

            The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey Old WOMAN, have you ever danced?"

             

            The old woman looked up at the gun slinder and said, “No, I never did dance…never really wanted to.”

             

            A crowd had gathered as the gunslinder grinned and said, "Well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the woman’s feet.

             

            The old woman prospector – not wanting to get her toe blown off – started hopping around.Everybo dy was laughing.  When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

             

            The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.  The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

             

            The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.  The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

             

            The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s butt? 

         

            The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No Mam…but…I’ve always wanted to.”

             

            THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

            1 - Never be arrogant.

            2 - Don't waste ammunition.

            3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

            4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

            5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.

             

            I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

     

[gnonyx]

Find this mirror to see yourself at young age

baby&me / the new evian film

[Steve Wood]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension




2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!





'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
 

[Steve Wood]

>         This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
>
>         I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
>
>         ***********
>
>         I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
>
>         I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
>
>         ***********
>
>         I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
>
>         "Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
>
>         After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
>
>         "Come on, what day was I born"?
>
>         I said, “Yesterday."
>
>         ***********
>
>         I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
>
>         The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
>
>         ***********
>
>         I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
>
>         I said, "Nice legs."
>
>         The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
>
>         I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
>
>
>
>         When you are over sixty who gives a shit?
>
>

[$1987 GN$]

>         When you are over sixty who gives a shit?
>
>

Depends on what you are doing. lol


AJ___

[gnonyx]

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to be naughty and have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation.. .

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

[gnonyx]

Two old men go to an escort service house. The madam asks them what they want. They say women. She asks, "How old are you?" They say 90.

So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.

When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?" The other one says "I think she was dead, she just layed there, how was yours?"

"I think mine was a witch."

"A witch?"

"Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window."