The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[Pyro6]

Still funny though. Where's my car keys?

[Charlief1]

In your case I think it might be, "I've fallen and I can't reach my beer".   By the way, you need to do some anvil shooting.

[Pyro6]

Anvil shooting?

[Charlief1]

Anvil shooting?

It's an old way to celebrate events Gary.
 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anvil_firing
 

[Pyro6]

I'm glad I asked, sound almost like a dare

[Charlief1]

I'm glad I asked, sound almost like a dare

It sounds like a cannon going off if it's done right and it would get the attention of the neighbors for sure. I've got 1 small anvil and am looking for another so I can do this on the 4th next year.

[daveismissing]

[daveismissing]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
]She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all, my husband and I put it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."

[daveismissing]

A guy comes home from his job at the pickle factory, and his wife can tell he's got something on his mind. She sits him down and says, "Honey, you seem upset and not yourself. Is there something wrong at work? You can talk to me." He lets out a long sigh, and says, "This is hard for me to say, and I know you won't understand, but I have this overwhelming urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer at work. I can't stop thinking about it, and I'm worried that sooner or later I'm going to do it." Taken aback, his wife pauses for a moment and says, "Ok, wow. I wasn't expecting that. Of course you know that that would be a really terrible idea, right?" He agrees, the talk a little more and after a while, they let the matter slide. A few days later, he comes home from work in the middle of the afternoon. From his face, she can tell something bad has happened and she asks, "What happened? Why are you home so early?" He sheepishly looks at her and says, "I can't believe it, but I finally gave into the temptation, and I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer." Gasping, she asks, "So what happened?!" "I got fired." "No, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer." "She got fired too."

[daveismissing]

One night, a little girl decides to peek inside her parent's bedroom. She is shocked by what she sees, for she catches a glimpse of mommy bouncing up and down on top of daddy.
That very next morning, she asks her mom, "Mommy, why were you hopping up and down on top of daddy?"
The mom replies, "Oh, umm, well, I was just trying to help lose weight by pushing the air out of him."
The girl says, "Well that won't work mommy."
Puzzled, the mother replies, "Well why not, honey?"
"Well, every week while you're at work, the pretty girl from across the street comes to blow him back up!"

[Charlief1]

 

[Steve Wood]

Lady: Do you drink?


    Man: Yes

    Lady: How much a day?

    Man: 3 6 packs

    Lady: How much per 6 pack

    Man: about $10.00

    Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

    Man: 15 years

    Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
    spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

    Man: Correct

    Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
    15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

    Man: Correct

    Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
    in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
    interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

    Man: Do you drink?

    Lady: No

    Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari?

[Charlief1]

 

[stevemon]

Our New Bull


I recently spent $3500 on a young Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy,
 but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

Holy crap!

The bull started to service the cows within two days....
All of my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows!
He's been breeding just about everything in sight.

He's like a machine!
I don't know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.

[Charlief1]