The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[Steve Wood]

LOL...I was referring to Rube's brother Garreth

[daveismissing]

[$1987 GN$]

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face.


The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old farmer, still staring intently at the floor, tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you..."



AJ___

[Steve Wood]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
 
Partners help each other undress before sex

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
 

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
 
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work can be overlooked".
 

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me
 
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
 
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
 
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
 
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
 
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
 
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE   
 
1.   Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
 
2.   Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
 
3.   If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
 
4.   Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
 
5.   Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
 

[Charlief1]

 

[Charlief1]

The strong take from the weak thus fortunes rise and fall the wise take from the strong Internal Revenue taketh from all.
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The reason the marriage never works out when May gets married to December is the sweet young thing has never learned how and the old goat doesn't remember.
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If you owe too much on American Express,
and your Diner's Club notes are too hard,
take a loan on your Visa,
and pay it off with your MasterCard.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Each day we turn another page.
You know you're reaching middle age
When your pimples and your rashes
Turn to wrinkles and hot flashes.
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I am a bachelor, and I will not marry
Until the right girl comes along
But while I'm waiting, I don't mind dating
Girls that I know are wrong.
　
Show business should really change its style from the vulgar and the crude.
People on stage should be properly dressed. The audience should be nude.
　
More people are killed on the roads than they are on the battlefield.
It's not the tiger in the tank, it's the jackass behind the wheel.

Hurricanes are named after women
Because they start on the very same plan
Start up over nothin', make a whole lotta noise,
And can't be controlled by man!
　
What would you say makes the hair grey
Before you submit any bids
Grey hair is hereditary
And you get it from your kids.

What is the secret of eternal youth?
The answer is easily told;
All you gotta do if you wanna look young
Is hang out with people who are old.
 
If you ever go out with a schoolteacher,
You're in for a sensational night;
She'll make you do it over and over again
Until you do it right.
　
The young people are very different today;
And there's one sure way to know;
Kids used to ask where they came from;
Now they'll tell you where you can go!
　
I got a new girlfriend,
No guy could ask for more,
She’s deaf, dumb, oversexed
And owns a liquor store!
　
Those who think of women as the weaker sex
Just can't see the trees for the woods
Cause no matter how loudly a rooster may crow
It's the hen who delivers the goods.

[SuperSix]

Better than a Flu hot! 

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea... As he sat facing her old Hammond   organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top of it. 
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? 
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!

[dennisL]

An 80 year old couple tells their doctor they want to have a baby but "nothing we do seems to work."


The doc tells them "take this jar down the hall to that room and give me a sperm sample."


After awhile they return and the husband is all sweaty.
He says "Doc, I tried my left hand then my right hand.  My wife tried her right hand, her left hand, and even took her teeth out and tried her mouth.  We just can't get the lid off this jar!"

[Steve Wood]

 

[Steve Wood]

 

[Steve Wood]

 

[Just a Six?]

LOL!! 

[Steve Wood]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh, I've been meaning to tell you about her," replies the husband, "that is my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club. But the decision is yours."

A hush falls between them. Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is much prettier," says the wife.

[$1987 GN$]

Is that experience, sarcasm or pity there Steve; or a bit of all?
Just curious.

AJ___

[Charlief1]

Is that experience, sarcasm or pity there Steve; or a bit of all?
Just curious.

AJ___

Old age since he's posted it before.