The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,

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The Testicles of a Texas midget ached and hurt almost all the time.

The midget went to his doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up on the examining table and started to examine him.

The doc put one finger under the his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his "boys" were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied. "I cut two inches off the top of your Cowboy Boots."

[KGB]

Texas midgets are the worst. 

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In Ireland, Murphy showed up for work one day, and he was in terrible shape. Bandages around his head, his one arm in a cast, and so forth.

 He says to the foreman, "I'll no be workin t'day."
 The foreman says, "Bejaysus, Murphy, what happened to you?"
 Murphys says, "I got into a fight."
 "Who were ya fightin' with?" says the foreman.
 
Murphy says, "O'Reilly"
 The foreman says, "And O'Reilly did that to ya, bejaysus he must have had something in his hand."
 Murphy says, "Aye, he did he had a crowbar."
 
The foreman asks, "And what did you have in your hand Murphy?"
 Murphy replies, "I had Mrs. O'Reilly's left tit, twas a lovely thing to be holding, but no good fer fighting."

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[SuperSix]

[KGB]

Australian (and Kiwi) midgets are the SECOND worst. 

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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
...
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi Keith

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    Teacher asks Girl:
    Which part of Human body
    Expands 10 times its normal size..?
    Girl: I can

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Subject: A Preacher And A Texas Cowboy

A preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and
soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken
advantage of by a woman of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.

[Charlief1]

  Santa's New Contract

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following note from Santa carefully to understand the changes affecting the Southern United States.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio,Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

These differences include:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:  "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have a empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming toTown." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Sincerely Yours,


      Santa Claus
(member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)   Have a nice day!

[Charlief1]

  A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days

[daveismissing]

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!