The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[SuperSix]

Per Sylvan's most excellent suggestion - I am renaming this thread the official IHADAV8 joke thread.

Even though the jokes should be funny - Zap is allowed to post as well.

Mark

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Oldie - but a goodie. I like the last one!

STARTED

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

==============================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about
3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

==============================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....
==============================
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

==============================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

==============================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

[Top Speed]

LOL

[Zap]

Those are Evers and Wood class. I'll not say whether that's good or bad.  

[Steve Wood]

Those are Evers and Wood class. I'll not say whether that's good or bad.

[DCEPTCN]

All good except for the gas tation one...the last one really *is* the best. Hey, howsabout a new all joke thread?

Oldie for sure, but one of my fave wife joke:

A man driving home picks up an indian hitchhiker. The indian, after getting into the car, notices a bottle of wine on the floor and asks "Yours?"

"Yeah, I got it for the wife." Says the driver.

"Good trade".

[Zap]

All good except for the gas tation one...the last one really *is* the best. Hey, howsabout a new all joke thread?

Oldie for sure, but one of my fave wife joke:

A man driving home picks up an indian hitchhiker. The indian, after getting into the car, notices a bottle of wine on the floor and asks "Yours?"

"Yeah, I got it for the wife." Says the driver.

"Good trade".

Abe Lincoln told that one to Booth and the rest is history.  :mad;

[Steve Wood]

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.  He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.  He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, 'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.'

[Zap]

Where is Jack Evers when you need him?
 :mad;


What do you call a Buckethead loving, 6'4" Dodge driving behemoth that goes around with his zipper down?


Racer XYZ  

[Recklessrob]

Where is Jack Evers when you need him?
 :mad;


What do you call a Buckethead loving, 6'4" Dodge driving behemoth that goes around with his zipper down?


Racer XYZ

[Steve Wood]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," says Murphy, and he runs upstairs and there sitting on their beds
are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters .

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of dem,Paddy?"

"Of course, ya idjit, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[DCEPTCN]

Abe Lincoln told that one to Booth and the rest is history.

[ledzeppac]

So three midgets are sitting around talking and they decide to enter the Guinness Book of Records. Great idea they all claim. The first one goes to the office and tells the Book rep; hi I think I have the smallest hands. H"is hands are measured and 45 minutes later he walks out the door with the new record.

Alright! The second one yells, I'm next. The second midget walks in and says he has the smallest feet.  Sure enough 45 minuts later the second midget has the smallest feet record.

Wow says the third midget. I'm up! "guys its embarrassing, but I've got it, I have the smallest dick ever."  

The third midget walks in and 45 minutes comes out the door dejected... The first midget asks, "hey did you get it? Do you have the smallest dick?"

Third midget, "No who the fuck is Sylvan?"

[Recklessrob]

So three midgets are sitting around talking and they decide to enter the Guinness Book of Records. Great idea they all claim. The first one goes to the office and tells the Book rep; hi I think I have the smallest hands. H"is hands are measured and 45 minutes later he walks out the door with the new record.

Alright! The second one yells, I'm next. The second midget walks in and says he has the smallest feet.

[Top Speed]

Ding, Ding, Ding

We have a winner!

[Steve Wood]

yes, indeed!  The champ is crowned!