The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[Zap]

There once was a Deja from Vu
Who wished he could see something new
But no matter how much he cried
the Wool was already dyed
and Repeating was all he could do


 :finga:

[SuperSix]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.mvpro4. jpg

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Reinsert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Recheck makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake

[Recklessrob]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.mvpro4. jpg

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Reinsert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Recheck makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake

Sooo true.  :rofl;

[kma697]

:rofl;  :rofl;
Positive Karma for S6 on that one!!!!

[Zap]

Yep, that nailed it.  :rofl;

[DCEPTCN]

Some of my favorite jokes are oldies but goodies (take Zap, for instance), so -rather than typing them out in their entirety- I'll just post one line from each and we can all take a warm giggly stroll down memory lane...

"...MacGregor the Goat-Fuckah!"

"A truck driver hauling a load of bowling balls to Canada..."

"...'fuck the sheep'...'do you think we have time?'"

"...then the Russian threw the remainder of the bottle of vodka out the car window..."

"...'they're using Rob's clock in the kitchen as a fan'."

"...'death by Rammajamma!'"

"...'it's amazin' yo GUTS DON'T FALL OUT!'"

[Steve Wood]

In Church

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.  
A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his
scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could
help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor
Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were! unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the
horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice,"thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors
say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.  The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something
to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[Recklessrob]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.




2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.

The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'




3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.




4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.




5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says:

'A beer please, and one for the road.'




6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you ?'




7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'

'Is it common ?'

'Well, It's Not Unusual.'




8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.




9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.



10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.




12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'





13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.



14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

A fsh.



15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'




16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire
in the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it
too.




17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them
to

Disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer.'




18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal.'





19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd
diet,

He suffered from bad breath.


This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.




20.  And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh.

No pun in ten did.

[TSM Girl]

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.



OMFG, for some odd reason, that cracked me up!!!!!! :rofl;

[TSM Girl]

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked,"What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.That's very good replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?' he asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of. ''Excellent!' said the interviewer. The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich? for speed. He then turned to the thirdman,who was contemplating his reply. Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said. Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA. WHAT!? said the interviewer, stunned by the response. Oh sure, said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants. BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! You probably will think of this every time you
enter a Wal-Mart from now on!

[Wrecked Em]

A man walked into a bar, the second one ducks.

[Steve Wood]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.


The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."


"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.


" The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"


"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."


"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.


"Thought she was having her picture taken."

[Zap]

I wish!  :rofl;

[Steve Wood]

A  young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your
brother  if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and
tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad  Pitt
for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could
really use that money to fix up the  house and send you kids t o a great
University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I
would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'  'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what
a million bucks  would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially'
and 'realistically' ?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars .But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a
fag.'

[Zap]

You're getting better with age.