The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[Steve Wood]

Bobby Darin ---

Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash  



Herman's Hermits ---

Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker  



Ringo Starr ---

I Get By With a Little Help From Depends  



The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip  


Roberta Flack---

The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face  



Johnny Nash ---

I Can't See Clearly Now  



Paul Simon---

Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver  


The Commodores ---

Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom  



Marvin Gaye ---

Heard It Through the Grape Nuts  



Procol Harem---

A Whiter Shade of Hair  



Leo Sayer ---

You Make Me Feel Like Napping  



The Temptations ---

Papa's Got a Kidney Stone  



Abba---

Denture Queen  



Tony Orlando ---

Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall  

 


 


             Helen Reddy ---


    I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore  


           Leslie Gore---

    It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To  

 

            
 And Last but NOT least . . ..



   Willie Nelson ---


On the Commode Again

[Recklessrob]

The  7 degrees of  blonde
 
> `*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-..,_,...-:*`*:-.,_,-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*  
> FIRST  DEGREE
> A  married couple were a sleep when the phone rang at  2 in the morning. The
> wife  (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment  and said
> 'How  should I know,  that's 200 miles from  here!'   and hung up. The
> husband  said,   'Who was that?'   The  wife said  'I  don't know,  some
> woman wanting to know if  the coast is clear.'    
> `*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-..,_,...-:*`*:-.,_,-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*    
> SECOND  DEGREE
>
> Two  blondes are walking down the street..    One notices a compact on the
> sidewalk and  leans down to pick it up.    She  opens it,   looks in the
> mirror and  says,   'Hmm,this person looks  familiar.'   The second blonde
> says,   'Here,   let me  see!'   So the first blonde hands her  the compact.
> The second one looks in the mirror  and says,   'You dummy,   it's  me!'  `
> *:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,.  -:*`*:-.,_,-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*    
> THIRD  DEGREE
>
> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on  her, so she goes out and
> buys a  gun.    She goes to his apartment  unexpectedly and when she opens
> the door she finds  him in the arms of a  redhead.
> Well,    the blonde is really angry.  She o pens  her purse to take out the
> gun, and as she  does so, she is overcome with grief... she  takes the gun
> and puts it to her head..
> The  boyfriend yells,   'No,    honey,   don't do  it!!!'  
> The  blonde replies,   'Shut up,    you're next!'    
> *:-...,_,.-:*`*:-...,_,..-:*`*:-..,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*    
> FOURTH  DEGREE
>
> A  blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state  capitals.   She
> proudly says,  'Go ahead,  ask  me,   I know all of them. 'A friend  says,
> 'OK,   what's the  capital of Wisconsin ?'   The blonde  replies,     'Oh,
> that's  easy:   W.'    
> *:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-..,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*    
> FIFTH  DEGREE
> What  did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she  was pregnant?  'Is
> it  mine?'  
> `*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,..-:*`*:-.,_,-:*`*:-..,_,.-:*`*    
> SIXTH  DEGREE
> Bambi, a  blonde in her fourth year as  a UCLA  freshman, sat  in her US
> government class.  The professor asked  Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade
> was  about. Bambi pondered the question then finally  said, 'That  was the
> decision   George  Washington  had to make before he crossed the   Delaware'
>
> *:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,..-:*`*:-.,_,-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*    
> SEVENTH  DEGREE
> Returning  home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her  house ransacked
> and burglarized.  She telephoned  the police at once and reported the
> crime.   The police dispatcher broadcast  the call on the radio,  and a K-9
> unit patrolling  nearby was the first to respond.  As the K-9  officer
> approached the house with his dog on a  leash,  the blonde ran out on the
> porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and  his dog,  then sat down on the
> steps.
>
> Putting  her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my
> possessions  stolen.  I call the police for  help, and what do they do?
> They send me  a BLIND policeman.'    
> `*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*:-.,_,-:*`*:-.,_,.-:*`*

[Steve Wood]

My Retirement
  
 
As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated part time job after retiring from my 'day job'.  Unfortunately, as I have  gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive.  So after landing my new job as a Wal-mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.  As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good  morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they  twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they  ain't twins.  The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would  you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'  
So I  replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at  Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.......
 

 




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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[Top Speed]

Dang, Steve.  When did you start marketing for Dell?

[Steve Wood]

If they don't send me a check pretty soon, I will switch to ACER....

[Zap]

There once was a farmer from Eden
And an ugly bastard Tops Peeden'
One day Zap shot the two
and Made a big Stew
And Fed them to a cannibal from Sweden

 

[Steve Wood]

that was very cute.  Do you have anything funny?

[Wrecked Em]

I am having deja vu.

Me too.

[Zap]

that was very cute.

[Steve Wood]

that was very cute.

[Top Speed]

There once was a farmer from Eden
And an ugly bastard Tops Peeden'
One day Zap shot the two
and Made a big Stew
And Fed them to a cannibal from Sweden

 

Weak.......... . :finga:

[Steve Wood]

There once was a farmer from Eden
And an ugly bastard Tops Peeden'
One day Zap shot the two
and Made a big Stew
And Fed them to a cannibal from Sweden

 

Weak.......... . :finga:

Limp....he needs a pill for that

[DCEPTCN]

Somebody had better have a permit for all this buzzkill.

[Wrecked Em]

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like
to operate on.

The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my
operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered.

The second responds: Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color-coded.

The third surgeon says: No, I really think librarians are
the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction
workers...thos e guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine. Plus, the
head and the behind are interchangeabl e

[Steve Wood]

Now we know why you have that feeling of deja vu, but, it is always funny.