The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[Recklessrob]

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before,
so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and,
after looking around for a while,
selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles,
slips into something comfortable,
and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment,
there's nothing but static on the screen,
so she calls the video store to complain.

Blonde:
"I just rented an adult movie from you
and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk:
"Sorry about, that.
We've had problems with some of those tapes.
Which title did you rent?"

Blonde:
"It's called 'Head Cleaner'"

[Recklessrob]

The lady asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.

[kma697]

The lady asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.

Me rikey!!!! :rofl;  :rofl;  :rofl;

[87natty]

Blonde:
"It's called 'Head Cleaner'"

I'm taking this one to work!

[Wrecked Em]

As I was checking into a hotel recently,

I said to the female front desk clerk:

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

[Recklessrob]

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were n bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
 
"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
 
And then the fight started....

======================================================

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
 
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

======================================================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
 
'I'll have the strip steak rare, please.'
 
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'
 
And then the fight started.....

======================================================

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
 
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
 
And then the fight started.....

[Top Speed]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats
right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,
but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents!

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game,
all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Hellooo ooooooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!

[Top Speed]

Inauguration 2009
 
The tally is in!
2 million people attended the Inauguration of our new president.
Only 14 missed work!

[kma697]

Old Timer Sex** **

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the
village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love
to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and
the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old
man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that
the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while
both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they
both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on
the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put
their clothes back on.

The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple
passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You
must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret
to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence.'

[Wrecked Em]

TWENTY DOLLARS


On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with
him thinking that it as a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of
steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.

[Wrecked Em]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop..

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember:



you've been listening to your ipod.

[Steve Wood]

An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.  
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Mary's.'
 
     Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex
with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
 This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'     A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
     'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
;
     At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the
sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered
the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed
up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was
green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and
matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just
enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. ;
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly
reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

[Steve Wood]

Dear Abby,                                                                
                                                                            
  I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your  
  advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating
  on me. The usual signs: phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
                                                                            
  My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently and when I ask  
  their names, she always says, just some friends from work and you don't  
  know them.  I have tried to stay awake and look out for her when she      
  comes home, but I usually fall asleep.                                    
  Anyway, I have never brought up the subject with my wife. I think deep    
  down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out  
  again and I decided to finally check on her.                              
                                                                            
  Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get  
  a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out    
  with 'the girls.  When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her    
  blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and    
  slipped them on.                                                          
                                                                            
  It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a  
  hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is  
  this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop  
  where I bought it?                                                        
                                                                            
  A Concerned Golfer

[Steve Wood]

Hotel Booking
As I booked into a hotel, I said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she says, "It's regular porn, you sick bastard."

[Top Speed]

I am having deja vu.