The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[Charlief1]

     The Golfer and the Brunette         
A circus owner runs an ad for a "lion tamer wanted" and two people show up.

One is an old golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a great body in her twenties.       

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. "He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history." Here's your equipment… a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
 
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun
and steps right into the lion's cage.
 
The lion gets all heated up, starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
 
As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.
 
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing!  I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
 
Then he turns to the old golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies… "Possibly... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

[daveismissing]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
 
 On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
 
 The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
 
 Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
 
 Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
 
 Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[good2win22]

Responsible Canadian Citizen.  I was was strolling round the harbor this morning about 11 am, I noticed this character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.  He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.  Being a responsible Canadian citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.  It is now 4 p.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond. I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

[good2win22]

A man enters a Wall-Mart store to purchase a rod and reel as a Christmas gift for his grandson. He hasn’t a clue what to buy, so he just grabs the first one he sees and takes it over to the counter. Standing behind the counter is a Wall-Mart employee wearing dark glasses.
Man says: ‘Pardon me, sir. Can you tell me if this rod and reel would be appropriate for my 10-year old grandson? Employee: Sir, I’m totally blind, but if you would like to drop it on the counter I should be able to give you all the information you need, just from the sound it makes. [/size]The customer is confused, but goes ahead and drops the rod and reel onto the counter.[/color] [/size]Employee: Sir, this is a great little combination – it’s a 5-foot Shakespeare Excursion graphite rod with a Zebco 303 reel, complete with 10-lb. test line. It would be the perfect gift for your grandson and, the good news is, it’s on sale today for a mere $20.00![/color] [/size]Man says: I can’t believe you did that! That’s amazing! You know all that just from the sound it made when I dropped it on the counter? I’ll definitely take it! [/color][/size]Opening his wallet, the man accidentally drops his credit card on the floor. [/size]Employee smiles: Ah, that sounded like a MasterCard![/color] [/size]The man bobbed down to collect his card and accidentally farted. Terribly embarrassed he stood up, wondering how on earth he would explain that! But then he realized that there’s no way the blind employee would know it was he who farted, because how could he know there were no other customers around? It could have been anyone! [/color][/size]The employee rings up the sale, saying ‘That’s $35.00 thanks’. [/size]Well, now the man is confused: ‘But didn’t you just say that the rod and reel are on sale for $20.00? Where on earth did you get $35.00 from?[/color] [/size]Employee: Sir, yes, the rod and reel is $20, the Duck Call is $7 and the Stink Bait is $8 ……. $35.00!![/color]

[TexasT]

Don and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in Wisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car. Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was laying in the road. She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a baby skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.                 
Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
Don says, "Okay, get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to keep it warm?
"Put it between your legs. It ought to be nice and warm there."
Anne says, "But what about the smell?"
"Just hold his little nose."
Don is expected to recover, but the skunk, she used to beat him, died at the scene.

A cut n paste off another site.

[daveismissing]

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[daveismissing]

[daveismissing]

A fifteen-year-old came home with a beautiful, new Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
 
 He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
 
 "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs!"
 
 "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
 
 The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.
 
 "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name -- it's the new neighbors that just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
 
 "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on!"
 
 So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold the Porsche and demanded to know why she did it.
 
 "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

[Charlief1]

 How to Sell (fishing gear)
A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down...

"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64 !! What the hell did you sell ?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.

[Just a Six?]

Good One! 

[motorhead]

Great joke!

[Pyro6]

Nice, truer words never spoken. Especially if they can't cook.

[instro84]

pretty good one.

[Charlief1]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

[Charlief1]

With the digital age, they've finally created a camera with a shutter fast enough to take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut.

Why don't pirates go to strip clubs? They already have all the booty!

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C!

What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty!

What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer? Shiver me timbers!

What do pirates and pimps have in common? They both say "YO HO!" and walk with a limp!