The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[daveismissing]

The officer says "sir. You were doing 65 in a 45". Old lady in the passenger seat says "What did he say?" Man says "he said I was speeding" Officer says "I'm gonna have to issue you a citation." Old lady, "what did he say?" Man "he's giving me a ticket" As the officer is filling out his paperwork he notices the couple is from Cornhusker, Iowa. Officer says "I've been there. Worst piece of ass I ever had, I got there." Old lady, "what did he say?"

Old man "He thinks he knows you."

[Steve Wood]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination

to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk

who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
 
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a

good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She

claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry

and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was

into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the

balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the

rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his

fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was

broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I

found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the

balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this

point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and

died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the

roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled

over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the

balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out

on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit

some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge

chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed

and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle

as he directs the man to the next room.
 
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He

apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as

the fellow in here just before you." 
 
"I don't know" replies the man,  "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding

in this cedar chest....."

[Steve Wood]

This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in recent times:
 
"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed, and hanging free . . .
 
It's women who make it hard."

[Steve Wood]

I was down to the corner standing at the bar and this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fruck you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick.

[daveismissing]

[good2win22]

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the
door.   A boy, about 9, opened the door.

        "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went
to town."

       "How about your brother, Howard?  Is he here?" "No, he went
with Mom and Dad."

       The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know
where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a
message."

       "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably.  "No, I really want
to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy
pregnant".

       The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to
talk to my Dad about that.  I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150
for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

[Pyro6]

bazinga, good one.

[Charlief1]

This woman shopping for a birthday present for her husband walked by a
 pet store and decided to look for a little dog to give her sweetie. The
 clerk ask who the present was for and she responded its for my husband.
 He said I would buy him this frog. She said why a frog?. Clerk said
 because this frog can give a man great oral sex. she said youre putting
 me on. Clerk said well take the frog and if doesnt live up to it then
 bring it back. Well the lady did and gave it to the husband and
 explained what the frog could do. The husband said yeah right and shoved
 the frog aside. At 3am the man decided to see if it was true the frog
 could do what his wife said. Shortly after the wife is awaken by a loud
 banging noise of pots and pans in the kitchen. She walks into the
 kitchen and asked her husband what was going on. He said..
 Honey if I can teach this frog how to cook youre ass is out of
 here...... 

[Steve Wood]

   The 1st Affair 
A married man was having an affair
With his secretary. One day they went to her place 
And made love all  afternoon.
 
Exhausted, they fell  asleep
And woke up at 8 PM.
 
The man hurriedly dressed
And  told his lover to take his shoes 
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt
 
He put on his shoes and  drove home.
 
'Where have you been?'  his wife demanded.
 
'I can't lie to  you,' he replied,
 
'I'm having an  affair with my secretary..We had sex all afternoon.'
 
She looked down at  his shoes and said:
 
'You lying  bastard!
You've been playing  golf!'
 
 
 
The  2nd Affair
 
A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful  daughters
But always talked about  having a son.
 
They decided to try  one last time
For the son they always  wanted.
 
The wife got  pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby  boy.
 
The joyful father rushed to  the nursery
To see his new son.
 
He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.
 
He told his wife: 'There's no way I  can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I  fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?
 
The wife smiled  sweetly and replied:
'No, not this  time!'
 
 
 
The  3rd Affair
 
A  woman was in bed with her lover
When  she heard her husband
Opening the  front door.
 
'Hurry,' she said,  'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed  baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him  with talcum powder.
'Don't move  until I tell you,
She said. 'Pretend  you're a statue.
 
'What's this?  the husband inquired
As he entered the  room
 
'Oh it's a statue,' she  replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I  liked it
So I got one for us,  too.
 
No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed.
 
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer.
 
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have  this.
I stood like that for two days  at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.
 

The  4th Affair
 
A  man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.
 
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one  cent.
 
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed...
 
He glanced at the menu  and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy  steak
And a bottle of wine?
 
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
 
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?
 
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.
 
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
With your wife?'
 
The bartender  replied:
'The same thing I'm  doing
To his business down  here.
 

The  5th & Best Affair
 
 
Jack was  dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
 
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.
 
'There's no need to, 'his wife  replied.
 
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace
I slept  with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!
 
'I know,' she replied.
'Now  just rest and let the poison work.'
 

[daveismissing]

A man goes to see a wizard and says:

"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

[daveismissing]

Reaching the end of a job interview, a hiring manager asks a young university grad, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The applicant replies, "In the region of $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of ten weeks vacation, stat holidays paid at double time, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a BMW?" The applicant sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[good2win22]

[font=]Plan for saving the US:      [/font]
[font=]A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men. [/font][font=]B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women. [/font][font=]C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies. [/font][font=]D. In three generations, there will be no liberal democrats. [/font][font=]I love it when a plan comes together! [/font]

[Steve Wood]

     
    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
    King David
     

    After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
    Sasha Guitry
     

    By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
    If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

    Socrates
     

    Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
    Anonymous
     

    The great question, which I have not been able to answer is, "What does a woman want?"
    Dumas
     

    I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

    Sigmund Freud
     

    'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

    Red Skelton
     

    'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

    Sam Kinison
     

    'I've had bad luck with both my wives
    The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
    James Holt McGavra
     

    Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
    1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
    2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
    Patrick Murray
     

    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

    Nash
     

    You know what I did before I married?
    Anything I wanted to.

    Anonymous
     

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
    Then we met.
    Henny Youngman
     

    A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

    Rodney Dangerfield
     

    A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
    They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

    Anonymous
     
     
    First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
    Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
    Anonymous
     
 
     
     
       
     
     
     

 

[Just a Six?]

When I was just a kid maybe 8 years old I watched Red Skelton on TV & PEED My Pants I was laughing so hard!! No BS! 

[Steve Wood]

He was one of the greats