The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[Steve Wood]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from KansasCity to Chicago .

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your Mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

[Charlief1]

 

[Just a Six?]

Good One!   

[motorhead]

Nice one, Steve!

[Steve Wood]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's
office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it
when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her,"Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the fuck I am now...

[Charlief1]

 

[daveismissing]

Florida...
 
 “A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
 
 Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.
 
 Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”
 
 The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
 
 “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.
 

[good2win22]

President Barack Obama, surrounded by his normal retinue of Secret Service agents, walks into the Chicago branch office of a regional bank to cash a check.

“Good morning, ma’am,” he says to the cashier. “I’d like to cash this check.”         
“Of course, sir,” she replies. “Do you have your drivers license?"

“Actually, no,” Obama says. “I didn’t drive myself and, honestly, I didn’t think I’d need to show any ID. I mean, I am the president.”

“Yes, sir, I know who you are. But I’m afraid that, federal banking regulations being what they are, I’ll need to see a photo ID.”
Obama sighs in consternation.

“But just ask anyone at the bank,” he says. “They all know who I am. Everybody knows who I am.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. President, but rules are rules.”

“Please, there must be something you can do. I need to cash this check so I can buy Michelle a Christmas present.”

The cashier thinks for a minute.  “I’ll tell you what, Mr. President. Two weeks ago, Tiger Woods was here and in the same situation. He proved who he was by making an amazing putt all the way across the bank lobby into a coffee cup.  “Then, just last week, Andre Agassi had to prove who he was, so he used his tennis racket and lobbed a ball all the way across the bank lobby into that same coffee cup.  “In both cases, we took that as identification and cashed their checks,” she explained.  “So, Mr. President, is there something you can do that would prove that you are, indeed, Barrack Hussein Obama, president of the United States?” she asked.

Obama stands in front of her for a moment, frowning in thought.  “You know, he says, I can’t think of a thing. My mind is a total blank. I have absolutely no idea what to do in this situation,” he says. “Seriously. No clue at all.”

The cashier smiles.  “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”

[good2win22]

Awesome!

[Steve Wood]

LOL

[daveismissing]

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
 The owner asks the clerk, "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"
 The clerks responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for
 his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I have him an entire bottle of
 laxative".
 The owner, wide-eyed and excitedly shouts, "you idiot! You can't treat a cough
 with a bottle of laxatives".
 The clerk calmly responds, "Of course you can, look at him. He's afraid to cough

[daveismissing]

 Zap/Nasty Wendy go Hunting on Steve Wood's Ranch      So Zap and Nasty Wendy are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
 
 The Zap says to Wendy, " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom.  I wonder how deep it is?"
 
 The Nasty Wendy says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
 
 Zap says, "There's this old transmission over here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
 
 They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and jump in headfirst.
 
 While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, when Steve Wood walks up.
 
 "Say there", says Steve, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
 
 Zap says,  "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here
 a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
 
 Steve said,  "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"      Last edited by forzfed; 10-12-2007 at 10:12 AM.

[daveismissing]

Zap and Nasty Wendy     
 
 Zap and Nasty Wendy were both patients in a mental hospital.
 
 One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Zap suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Nasty Wendy promptly jumped in to save Zap. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
 When the medical director became aware of Nasty Wendy's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now
 considered her to be mentally stable.
 
 When he went to tell her the news he said, "Nasty Wendy, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Zap, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
 
 Nasty Wendy replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."
 
  ______________ ____
 Anyone that wishes to contact me may do so by clicking on the contact link on my homepage below.  Thanks
 
 www.vortexbuicks-etc.com

[daveismissing]

  STEVE & ZAP MEET  STEVE was touring the State of West Virginia and got lost. He saw a ZAP working in his field and stopped for directions. ZAP told him how to get to Morgantown. STEVE wanted to talk a bit so he asked ZAP, "Is this your farm?""Yep", the ZAP answered. 
 "How big is it?" asked STEVE. "Well, it starts down the road there where the creek is and follows the creek up and over the hill to about where you can see that big tree. Then it runs across back of the barn to a big pile of stones up yonder and then down along the fence there to the road up that way." STEVE smiled and said, "Well, that's a nice place. Let me tell you about my place out in Texas. I can get into my car and start out from one end of my property just as the sun is coming up in the east. I can drive all day and just as the sun is setting in the west I reach to other end of my ranch. What do you think of that?" ZAP thought for a second or two, then said, "I had a car like that once."
 
 
 ------------------
 ED BAKER

[TexasT]

A few years ago Larry approached his Guadalajara neighbors and announced that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The neighbors, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

Larry bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the neighbors stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of his neighbors and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

Larry now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go in town on some business, Darren, his son, would buy on his behalf.

In the absence of Larry, Darren told the neighbors: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my dad has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when Dad returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw Larry or Darren again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Wanna buy a monkey?