The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
 She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
 "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
 "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
 "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
 "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."
 The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"
 "No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
 "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
 "No, both my son and daughter have high fidelity stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but we can't seem to do anything about it."
 "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
 "Yes" she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
 Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
 "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

[Pyro6]

I saw a t-shirt at Dover on Sunday:
      schizophrenia: beats dining alone.

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It's midnight and a woman awakes to find her husband not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night!?"

The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15", he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears because her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

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The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

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An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any hair "down there. "
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.... .very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the entire dart team hadn't!"
 

[Charlief1]

     

[Steve Wood]

>  After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
>     shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll
>     just go out and catch my own
>     alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The
>     shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't
>     you go give it a try?'
>
>
>     The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an
>     alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home and
>     spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water,
>     shotgun in hand.
>
>     He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With
>     lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and
>     hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
>
>     Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper
>     watched in amazement as the blonde struggled with the gator.
>
>     Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .
>     "Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
>

[Charlief1]

Needed that today Steve.

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[Steve Wood]

    The Manitoba Herald

    The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.  The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

    Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
    "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota .  “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.  He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

    In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them.  He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."

    Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said.  "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water.  They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives.  Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

    In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border.  Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.  After catching a half- dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

    Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies.  "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.  "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

    In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada , Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals.  A source close to President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts.  And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps.  The President is determined to reach out," he said.

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[Charlief1]