The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

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A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after
a 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal
thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller,
and without missing a beat, she says: ‘Well, that's great...that's
just great...

...some asshole's got my pen!'

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[gnonyx]

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one
blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”

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Lack of beer apparently:
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/Blog/2013/12/30/Woman-stabs-husband-with-squirrel-over-Christmas-without-beer/7321388412494/

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An old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her...

..One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?‘

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it, and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"That seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
 

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A young mother was pregnant for the second time and her little daughter wondered how she got pregnant (the basics of getting pregnant). The mother explained that a baby grows in the mothers tummy and that it all started with one egg and one spremcell, or semen. Dad has the semen and mom has the egg.
Then the little girl asked: ''If you need semen and eggs to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, how do you get the semen? Do you swallow it?''
The mother replied: ''Only if I want diamonds.''
 

[gnonyx]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”
“We use it when we make love,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

[gnonyx]

Birth of a Candy Bar

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Ones Diet

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Jimmy Jones