The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[Steve Wood]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who This morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
 
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'
 
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
 
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
 
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
 
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'
 
So I told her to fuck off.

[Top Speed]

nice!

[DCEPTCN]

:rofl;  :rofl;


Rofltard oh so hard!

[Wrecked Em]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
______________ ____

[Wrecked Em]

Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's
private plane.

Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.

Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy.

Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10
bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there.

I could throw all of their asses out
of the window and make 56 million people very happy.

[Wrecked Em]

On the boobs of a barmaid in Wales
Were tattooed the prices of ales

And on her behind
For the sake of the blind

Was the same information in Braille.

[Wrecked Em]

There once was a man from Madrass
Whose balls were made out of brass
When he'd bang 'em together
They'd play stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out of his ass

[Wrecked Em]

One dark day in the middle of the night two dead boys got up to fight,
Back to back they faced eachother drew their swords and shot eachother,
A deaf policeman heard this noise, came and shot the two dead boys,
If you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man he saw it too.

[Wrecked Em]

There once was a stripper from Wheeling

Who performed with such exquisite feeling

That for thirty miles 'round

There was nary a sound

Save for fly buttons hitting the ceiling.

[Wrecked Em]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Escanaba Press, a local newspaper in Upper Michigan, reported the following: After digging as deep as 300 feet in his pasture near Flat Rock, Ole Olson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Upper Michigan had already gone wireless.
______________ ____

[Recklessrob]

The coach had put together the perfect
    team for the Detroit
    Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had
    scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
    couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

    

    Then one night while watching CNN
    he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
    In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
    with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th
    story window 100 yards away.

    

    KABOOM!

    

    He threw another hand-grenade 75
    yards away, right into a chimney.

    

    KA-BLOOEY!

    

    Then he20threw another at a passing
    car going 90 mph.

    

    BULLS-EYE!

    

    "I've got to get this
    guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

    

    So, he brings him to the States and
    teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the
    Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and
    when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call
    his mother.

    

    "Mom," he says into the
    phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

    

    "I don't want to talk to you,
    the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"
      

    

    "I don't think you understand,
    Mother," the young man pleads "I've won the greatest sporting
    event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
      

    

    "No! Let me tell you!"
    his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all
    around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were
    beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your
    sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses,
    and then tearfully says,
    
    
    
    
    
    
    "I will never forgive you for
    making us move to Detroit!"

[Steve Wood]

Good One!!

[kma697]

Q. Do you know how West Virginians practice safe sex?






A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Wait isn't Zap from there? :rofl;  :rofl;  :rofl;

[Wrecked Em]

West Virginia foreplay....

"Get in the truck Bitch!!!!" :doh;

[Recklessrob]

I heard that circumcisions in West Viagra are performed by hitting one's sister in the lower jaw ?