The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[daveismissing]

[Charlief1]

Last night on a plane back home from Dallas to Tyler,
I was sitting with a friend I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot of political things. Being a US Congressman, Louie visits a lot of different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll with laughter, to the point of tears.

The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children
to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had
them sit around him.

He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful.
Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what
the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor
said "Please tell us what the resurrection is".

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice

"When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that little boy's voice won't be.

[stevemon]

ocation, location, location

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. I played like I've never played before, all for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently I was still lost.

[Steve Wood]

 

[Just a Six?]

I wonder what's more Fake? Her mowing the lawn or those big Boobs her guy bought her?? 

[Steve Wood]

does not look like the mower is running to me so I call fake on both

[Steve Wood]

Don't honk at old people

http://dave6.posterous.com/dont-honk-at-old-people

[Steve Wood]

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,
but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle
of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and
play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands,
the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I
play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the
hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the
ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only
play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a
problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for
that ... $10,000 a hole is fine with me.

When would you like to play?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

[daveismissing]

[daveismissing]

It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

• It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

• It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

• It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

• It's very, very important that these four women do not find out about each other.

[$1987 GN$]

Little Johnny Strikes Again !!
                                 
                               
                                The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.  Molly put up her hand and said, My family went to my granddad's farm,and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
                               
                                Sally raised her hand.  She said, My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'  The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
                               
                                Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.  Johnny said, 'My aunt Noreen has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobies are so big she can only fasten eight.'  The teacher sat down and cried......... ....
                               
                Johnny jokes are just good. . .

AJ___

[daveismissing]

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.
   
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.  On July 17, 1946, the temperature in  Detroit was 97 degrees.
 
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
   
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.   

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
   
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
 
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
   
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The  Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
   
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
   
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
 
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --   
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

[Steve Wood]

Works better than Rube, Walt, Gary, and Lil

[Charlief1]

Well actually.....
 

The first car with an actual refrigeration system was the 1939 Packard. It consisted of a large evaporator, called the 'cooling coil,' which took up the entire trunk space. The only control was a blower switch. Packard, in fact, ran its advertising as, "Forget the heat this summer in the only air-conditioned car in the world.
Cadillac followed suit in 1941 with 300 air-conditioned cars. All of these early air-conditioning systems had one big drawback: there was no compressor clutch, so the pump was on when the engine was running. To shut the system off, one had to stop, get out, open the hood, and remove the belt. It wasn't until after WWII that Cadillac advertised a new, high-tech feature: the air-conditioning controls. The controls were located on the rear package shelf, which meant that the driver had to climb into the back seat to shut the system off. Yet it was still better than reaching under the hood.
The Harrison Radiator Division of General Motors may be credited with developing the first efficient, affordable unit that could be made in mass production. It was available as an option on all 1954 Pontiacs with V8s. It featured a two-cylinder reciprocating compressor, and an all-brazed condenser. It also used a magnetic clutch, so when it was not in use, no power was needed to drive the compressor, which improved performance and fuel economy.

[Pyro6]

Works better than Rube, Walt, Gary, and Lil

Are you referring to me?  I'd be really offended, only I gave a shit.