The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

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[Top Speed]

Bryan, those are great!  Thanks for all you do in keeping this board alive.

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This one is for ZAP!!!

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[Recklessrob]

Read latest from Al Gore:
 
New Solar System Discovered Four Feet From
Earth !  Al Gore claims  CO2PENHAGEN Victory
while suffering from frostbite during Global Warming
conference.
PALO ALTO, CA

[TSM Girl]

That CRACKED me up when I saw that picture....... :rofl;

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The Offering
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.

It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno .."

[Steve Wood]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed
off  because he doesn't want to be yellow.
 Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.
  He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
 
 Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
 He begs her, "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads.
 I am tired  of being so visible to predators and such."
 
 The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Abracapokus!
 You're brown!"
 The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his "package",
which is still yellow.  *
  He says to the fairy godmother,
 "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"
 To this the fairy godmother replies,
 "I don't do willies.  You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
 The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

 There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods.  As luck
 would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother.  
 
 He implores her, "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other
 bears.  None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the
 hunters can spot me from a mile off."
 She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says,
 "Pokuscadabra!  You're brown!"
 
 The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception
 of the ol' twig and berries.  They remain purple.  
 He says: "My wang is still purple!"
 
 She says,"I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
 To this the bear replies,
 "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"
 
 The fairy godmother answers, .............. .............

 "That's easy...

   :smt071  :finga:


just follow the YELLOW DICK TOAD!"

[Steve Wood]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher.
>>> He
>>> tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown
>>> drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over
>>> there,"
>>> as he points out the location.
>>>
>>>
>>> The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority
>>> of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pant's
>>> pocket,
>>> he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this
>>> badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . on any
>>> land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do
>>> you understand?"
>>>
>>>
>>> The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
>>>
>>>
>>> A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA
>>> officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis
>>> bull . . .
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems
>>> likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.  The officer is
>>> clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence
>>> and yells at the top of his lungs  to the petrified officer. . .
>>>
>>>
>>> "Your BADGE!  Show him your BADGE!"

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Father/Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of 'the redistribution of wealth.'

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing?'

She replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.'

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.'

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
______________ ____

[Steve Wood]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.  
 
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
 
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
 
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
 
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
 
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
  
"Yeah."  I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everyth ing is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
 
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
 
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
 
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
 
So I told her to fuck off.

[DCEPTCN]

Steve always kills...lol