The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

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LETTER
FROM THE BOSS:

As the CEO of this organization, I have
resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our
President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG
way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to
increase by about 10%.

Since we cannot increase our prices right now due
to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off
sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me,
since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to
choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper
stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be
the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this
problem.
They voted for change, I gave it to them.

I will see the rest
of you at the annual company picnic.

[Top Speed]

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE  

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.  


Lesson 2:  

A priest offered a Nun a lift..  

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.  

The priest nearly had an accident.  

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.  

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'  

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.  
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'  

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'  

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily  
and went on her way.  

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'  

Moral of the story:  
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.  


Lesson 3:  

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.  

They rub it and a Genie comes out.  
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'  
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'  
Puff! She's gone.  

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'  

Puff! He's gone.  

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager..  
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after  
lunch.'  

Moral of the story:  
Always let your boss have the first say.  

Lesson 4  

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.  

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'  
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'  

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.  

Moral of the story:  
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.  


Lesson 5  

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'  
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'  

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.  

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.  

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.  

Moral of the story:  
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..  



Lesson 6  

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.  

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.  

The dung was actually thawing him out!  

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.  

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.  


Morals of the story:  
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.  

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your  
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep  
your mouth shut!  


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[Wrecked Em]

The Pope and Pelosi

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers,but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day they will rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that; with one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So, the Pope slapped her.

[Top Speed]

Is that what is referred to as a 'bitch slap'?

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!

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