The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[SuperSix]

He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

[Steve Wood]

Understanding Engineers - Take  One

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when
one said,  "Where did you get such a great bike? The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was  walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman  rode up on this bike, threw it on the ground,
took off her clothes and said,  "Take what you want." The second
engineer nodded approvingly and said,  "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit  you."

Understanding Engineers - Take  Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half empty. To the engineer, the  glass is twice as big as it needs
to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take  Three

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly  slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those guys? We've been  waiting 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I
don't know, but I've never  seen such inept golfers!" The priest said,
"Here comes the green keeper,  let's ask him." He said, "Hello, George!
What's wrong with the group ahead  of us? They're rather slow aren't
they?" The green keeper replied, "Oh,  yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving  our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free  anytime." The group fell
silent for a  moment. The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will
say a special  prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea.
I'm going to  contact my ophthalmologis t colleague and see if there's
anything he can do  for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play
at  night?"

Understanding Engineers- Take  Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers?  Mechanical engineers build weapons: Civil engineers build
targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take  Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
graduate with  an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?" The
graduate with an accounting  degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do  you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Normal  people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that  if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features  yet.

[Recklessrob]

BOB & THE BLONDE


Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

 

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

[TSM Girl]

REDNECK WORD FOR  TODAY:

"OBAMA"




I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT  "OBAMA"  SELF.         :rofl;

[Recklessrob]

1 The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.  

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults:  Practice safe sects!

[Wrecked Em]

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when  
she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of  
her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,  
'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people..'

Her parents beamed with pride.

'Wow...what a worthy goal..' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait  
until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and  
mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50.  
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy  
hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new  
house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked  me straight  
in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do  
the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'


Her parents are still not speaking to me.

[Steve Wood]

PONDERISMS  

[Steve Wood]

A little girl was walking home from school
When a man pulled up beside her in a shiny new truck.

He said to her " If I give you a piece of candy, will you get in my new
truck?"

The little girl shakes her head no.

He then offers her two pieces and she still shakes her head no.

He then says how about I give you the whole bag?

The little girl stops and looks at him and says:

Daddy that's YOUR new Ford, You Bought it You ride in it!

[Top Speed]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed .

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that yo u have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes o ut soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling..

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told t he teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....

[Wrecked Em]

[Wrecked Em]

The Americans With No Abilities Act Coming to the U.S. Congress soon
______________ ______________ ____________
Posted: March 18, 2009
8:14 pm Eastern

[Top Speed]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExkUOOXkGtg

[TSM Girl]

(I got this joke from my Godfather, which is shocking the hell out me.)

Why Italian Fathers pass their handguns down through the family!


An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about
you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos." "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. ""Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"



 :rofl;

[Wrecked Em]

[Top Speed]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.  A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse.... he mumbles from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir