The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[Wrecked Em]

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

[Wrecked Em]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

[Steve Wood]

[Steve Wood]

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog

chow for my loyal pet, Gabe, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
when woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an
elephant?
       So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her
that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added
that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but

that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
       I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my
story.)
      Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me.
      I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and

a car hit us both.
      I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
     Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the

world to think of crazy things to say.

[Wrecked Em]

[Wrecked Em]

Flat Tire
Yesterday a blonde had a flat tire on the interstate. So she eased her car over
to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the
trunk.
Took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear Of
The car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't
believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and
private parts to the approaching drivers.

The blonde started to change her tire, and to her surprise, cars started slowing
down looking at the lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing
up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't
long before a state trooper pulled up behind her.

He got out of his car and started walking towards her. She could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here? "

"My car has a flat tire," the blonde said calmly.

"Well, what the are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the
road?"

She couldn't believe that he didn't know. She told him,
"Hello-O-O-O-O-O, those are my emergency flashers!"

[Wrecked Em]

3 blondes are walking in the woods on a nature hike when they come across some tracks...


The first blonde says, "I think they are deer tracks."


The second blonde says, "no, no, ive seen these before, they are bear tracks."


The third blonde bends down, looks closely at the tracks and contemplates.


"I think both of you are wrong, these must be peacock tra........... .............. .."






She didnt get the rest out as the train ran over all 3 of them.

[Wrecked Em]

One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio over breakfast.

They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. We are asking everyone to park their car on the even-numbered s ide of the street, so there is room for the snowplows to get through."

Norman's Blonde wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. Today you must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car to the odd- numbered side.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are e xpecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today."

You must park .........."

Then the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do! Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through today?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says:

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Wrecked Em]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a
dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them. "NO WAY," she exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

[Wrecked Em]

A blond invites her new boyfriend to meet her parents. Just as they are sitting down to eat his cell phone rings. He excuses himself, answers the call, explains he is eating and will call back. As he hangs up, his blond girl friend asks him who called and he replied a client from work. She looks surprised and says, "Wow, how did they know you were here?"

[Wrecked Em]

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I

[Wrecked Em]

The White House Fence



Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC: One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third, is from Florida

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900 : $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."


The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"


The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."


"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how
government contracting works!

[Wrecked Em]

[Wrecked Em]

http://a6.vox.com/6a00d41440059a685e0110180c008e860f-500pi

I am trying to figure out who would have their kids do this?

[Recklessrob]

http://a6.vox.com/6a00d41440059a685e0110180c008e860f-500pi

I am trying to figure out who would have their kids do this?

I would.  :rofl;