The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[Recklessrob]

I never thought I would enjoy watching the news about an "airplane
crash."  But the Lord works in mysterious ways, and with a sense of
humor!

First:      No one died!

Second: The passengers standing on the wing appeared to be walking on
water!

Third:    It removed Obama from the headlines for 24 hours!

Fourth:  No one in the government could take credit for the miracle!

and Fifth: It wasn't George Bush's fault!

WOW!

[Steve Wood]

Women are impossible to please

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may
go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6
floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper
ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to
any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a
floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men have
jobs." The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's
better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up
she goes.

The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love
kids." The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,
and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm, better." she says. "But I wonder
what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking, and help with the housework." "Wow!"
exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"
And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong
romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me! But just think what must be awaiting me
further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to
this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as
proof that women are impossible to please."

Men are easy to please

a store that sells wives has six floors.

The first floor has sexually active good looking women.

The second floor has sexually active good looking women who like beer
and sports.

The 3rd through 6th floor have never been visited.

[Recklessrob]

> 3 men, a Torontonian, an Albertan and a Newfie, were out riding in the
> car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knew it, the three men
> found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where
> St.Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
>
> "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now
> overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people
> entering Heaven.
>
> If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot
> answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll
> come with me to hell."
>
> The Torontonian then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive
> report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of
> paper appeared next to the Devil. The Torontonian read it and
> concluded it was correct.
>
> "Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his finger, the Torontonian
> disappeared.
>
>
>
> The Albertan then asked, "Give me the most complicated Formula you can
> ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper
> appeared next to the Devil. The Albertan read it and reluctantly
> agreed it was correct.
>
> "Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his finger, the Albertan
> disappeared, too.
>
>
>
> The Newfie then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"The Devil
> brought forward a chair. The newfie continues, "Drill 7 holes on the
> seat."The Devil did just that.
>
> The Newfie then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
> Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
>
> The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
>
> "Wrong," said the Newfie,
>
> " It was from me arshole!" And the Newfie went to Heaven !!!

[SuperSix]

FROZEN SKUNK

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[Recklessrob]

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works,
and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show,
you too can find inner peace.

Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is
to finish all the things you have started and have never
finished.' So, I looked around my house to see all the
things I started and hadn't finished, and before the morning
was over I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle
of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder
of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake,
some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea
how freaking good I feel right now.

[Recklessrob]

CREATIVE PUNS FOR 'EDUCATED MINDS

       1. The roundest knight at King  Arthur 's round table was        Sir  Cumference .  He acquired his size from too much pi.

        
       2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
       turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

        
       3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

        
       4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
       because it was a weapon of math disruption.

        
       5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little
       behind in his work.

        
       6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
       stationery.

        
       7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
       littering.

        
       8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in  France would result in
       Linoleum Blownapart.

        
       9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

        
       10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

        
       11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police
       are looking into it.

        
       12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

        
       13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One
       hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

        
       14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it
       hit me.

        
       15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off
       the Grass."

        
       16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a
       hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how

             he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

        
       17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

        
       19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
       small medium at large.

        
       20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
       seasoned veteran.

        
       21. A backward poet writes inverse.

        
       22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism
       it's your count that votes.

        
       23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

        
       24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[DCEPTCN]

[TSM Girl]

[DCEPTCN]

[Steve Wood]

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker.'

Semper Fi

[TSM Girl]

Grandpa and the IRS -  
 
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
 
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
 
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'
 
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
 
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
 
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
 
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
 
The auditor's jaw drops.
 
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I c an bite my
other eye.'
 
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa
removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
 
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
 
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
 
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.
 
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty m uch urinates all overthe auditor's desk.
 
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a break even.
 
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
 
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
 
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

[DCEPTCN]

I'm with Quentin Tarantino on this one.

[Wrecked Em]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she..

[Wrecked Em]

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

[Wrecked Em]

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.