Pollitcally Incorrect Jokes Destined to Offend Everyone !

[Recklessrob]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan


What is a Yankee?    
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag



Why is divorce so expensive?    
Because it's worth it.




Why is air a lot like sex?    
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.





What do you call a smart blonde?    
A golden retriever.



What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.



What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes



What's the fastest w ay to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?    
They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.



What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.


What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pr egnant?    
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

 
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with.. "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....


Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[TSM Girl]

Those are GREAT!   :rofl;

[TSM Girl]

Here I will add one........... ......



How do you know that a blonde is confused???     She is holding a tampon and does not know where her pencil is.

[87natty]

Oh shit... the final nails in the board's coffin. Just keep Robert out of this thread, for the love of God.

[Top Speed]

Robert who?  Is he still alive?

[kma697]

Those are some good ones RR and TSM!! :rofl;  :rofl;  :rofl;

Did y'all hear the one about the Chinese man who woke his wife up at 4 in the morning and asked for some 69???  She replied "You want shrimp and fried rice NOW?"

[TSM Girl]

A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Walmart with her two kids.
The Walmart greeter, asks "Are they twins"?
The ugly woman says "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's
7.

"Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

[Recklessrob]

This thread is open to equal opportunity offendaz !

[Top Speed]

lol!!!  TSMG, the second one was funny as shit!!

[Recklessrob]

A Chicago Cubs scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play baseball and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the states.
Two weeks later the Cubs are in a close game with the Indians. The manager gives the young Iraqi reliever the nod and on he goes.
The kid is a sensation, he strikes out everyone he faces for the rest of the game and wins it for the Cubs! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media loves the new star.
When the player comes off the field he phones his mom to tell her about his first day in the Majors.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for three innings today, I was called from the bullpen with the bases loaded but I struck out everyone I faced, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and gang raped, and your brother was beaten severely by a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time."



The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."                                                              


"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mom, "It's your damn fault we moved to Chicago in the first place!"

[TSM Girl]

Bathroom Conv at Rest Area


I was barely sitting down on the toilet when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"



Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

[kma697]

TSMG that was FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!! :rofl;  :rofl;  :rofl;  :rofl;  :rofl;

[TSM Girl]

I have many more. lol  :rofl;

[Recklessrob]

New Parrot:

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad,"

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores... ...same old faces. Hi Ray."

[Recklessrob]

>A woman walks into her doctor's office, scared of the strange development
>recent to the inside of her thighs... a green spot on the inside of each.
> They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting
> worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of this, and that
> she
> needn't worry until tests come back.
> He sends her home. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her
> relief, it's the doctor.
> She immediately begs to know what's going on with these spots?
> "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering: is your
> boyfriend a Harley guy?" the doctor asks.
> "Yes-----how did you know?"
> "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."