The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the
border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican
presidential campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning
Americans who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes,
and live according to the Constitution. Canadian border residents say
it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors,
global-warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing
their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "He was cold,
exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a
chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers
that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck
their fingers in their ears and kept coming.
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and
drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for
themselves after the battery dies. "A lot of these people are not
prepared for our rugged conditions," an Alberta border patrolman
said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water,
or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice
little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips. When liberals are
caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they
fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.
Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education
camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the
Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing
the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus
trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a
half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian
immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the
supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to
prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious
about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara
Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading
jazzercise apps to their cell phones. "I really feel sorry for
American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,"
an Ottawa resident said. "After all, how many art-history majors does
one country need?”
