I Will Never Buy Fireworks Again

[DCEPTCN]

I've been a huge fan of fireworks for as long as I can remember. And not just for July 4th- seems like any time I have company come out to visit I've got myself all the excuse I need to go blow $100 on a big ol' pack of motherfucking mortars. I've never had so much as a beer prior to lightin' the sumbitches off, I've always fired them on a flat, level, hard surface. Heck, I always have a fire extinguisher handy just in case. I always check with the police department beforehand in order to be certain that there are no bans in place. That being said, I've never had any mishaps. Well, last night changed all that. We got an early start (my daughter was going absolutely apeshit and wasn't willing to wait for it to get dark), and the second piece that I lit was a goddamned defective. It was one of the types that has 12 cardboard cylinders and fires each into the sky (with report) in quick order. The unit didn't tip over and after the fiasco I saw no evidence of the shots firing out the side so I'm really at a loss for how exactly it failed. Anyway, the first 2 (?) shots went off without a hitch and everything was fine, but suddenly the rest began firing sideways. One landed in the mother-in-laws' lap and sat there for a moment before exploding. It left a 6" black mark on her jeans. Then, the next one flies at my daughter and, thankfully, bounced off before exploding on the driveway beside her (see photo below). The explosions keep coming- the wierd thing is that (I'm a super overprotective father, I admit) it wasn't worry or panic that I felt, it was straight up anger. For the entire 10 or 15 seconds (an eternity) that this is going on all I can think is, "You piece of shit, quit lobbing bombs at my fucking kid!". So, daughter, wife and mother-in-law are all screaming and running away as I run toward them in order to block any more shots from hitting my little girl. By the time this ends, she's absolutely hysterical and screaming bloody murder, so I worried that she might actually have been really hurt. Well, there's no time to investigate because as soon as the thing ran out the wife yells, "There's a fire!" and points behind me. Sure enough, it had thrown fireballs over into the brush and there are THREE brushfires now burning- all about 100 feet from eachother. I run over to the nearest one (about 200' away) and start trying to stomp it out while yelling to the wife to get me the goddamned fire extinguisher. The breeze is pushing this fire along pretty well, so all I'm accomplishing is  burning the heck out of my legs 'cause I'm in shorts. Even though only seconds has passed, I'm now screaming at the wife, "Get me that extinguisher NOW, goddammit!". She runs it over and apparently the in-laws haven't checked it in a while because I pull the pin, squeeze the handle and...nothing. The fucking thing is so old it's lost it's charge. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. My mother in law is on the phone with the fire department by now because probably 400 square feet of her yard is ablaze. I run and grab a 5 gallon bucket and fill it with water (slowest... faucet... EVER) and somehow manage to get all three fires out with the help of everyone else. Now, I go inside to check on my daughter. Thank god it bounced off of her before exploding, but it still gave her hair a little singe spot and she's all shaken up. Once I'm sure she's okay, I go back outside just about the time the FD is showing up. They walk around and do a check to see that everything is out and I'm describing what happened. I say, "One hit my mother in law, so it wasn't ALL bad news, y'know?" and they get a good laugh before leaving. So, I'd like to wring some Chinese necks and will never buy fireworks again in my life. But enough about me, how was your holiday?      

[Zap]

I hate fireworks.

[Zap]

and musicians

[DCEPTCN]

...and your claustrophobia keeps you out of the shower, I presume.

[Zap]

only around christmas

[DCEPTCN]

lol I'm nonplussed. Really. I'm not often nonplussed. Generally I'm pretty damned plussed. I'll shut up now.

[Top Speed]

You and your family got lucky there was no one hurt and not more damage than was done.

[DCEPTCN]

Precisely. "It could've been worse" isn't comforting, it's scary. That's why I'm sayin' never again. Plus, after this happened I found myself wondering, why *would* one trust explosives made in Chinese sweatshops?!

[TSM Girl]

Precisely. "It could've been worse" isn't comforting, it's scary. That's why I'm sayin' never again. Plus, after this happened I found myself wondering, why *would* one trust explosives made in Chinese sweatshops?!

It does make you think. You never know now a days.  Glad to see that your daughter is ok. Thank god.

[Recklessrob]

If I set off big stuff (other than bottle rockets and Saturn Missiles), I usually go to the local sand pit. I bury the mortars in the sand so that the fireworks only have one direction to go and there isn't a fire hazard that way. Remember: most stuff made in China is cheap. China doesn't have any liability.

[SuperSix]

Or, Youtube it so we can laugh at your failures.

[DCEPTCN]

Riabirity.

[Pyro6]

The sad fact is that the Chinese are leaders in firework production. We've used some USA brands and found then iffy at best. Sounds like either some of your lift charges weren't hooked up or they were loaded with too many shells in the tube. I did a show in Lancaster PA on the 8" crew. Our second shell had no lift charge. Thank God we buried the mortars 3/4 in the ground. We had no idea where the shell went, but it puked the mortar out of the ground and lifted the ground like a grenade in a 20 foot circle. I don't trust anything out of the roadside stands over the 4th. Glad to hear everybody is O.K.