Pollitcally Incorrect Jokes Destined to Offend Everyone !

[Recklessrob]

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"
  
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
  
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it."
  
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there
sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
  
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
  
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
  
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Recklessrob]

REDNECK CHURCH

1. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
    The finance committee refuses to provide funds for
the purchase of a chandelier because none of the
members knows how to play one.

2. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
     People ask when they learn that Jesus fed the
5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and
what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
   When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to
help take up the offering," five guys and two women
stand up.

4. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
    Opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.

5. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
    A member of the church requests to be buried in
his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been
in a hole it couldn't get out of."

6. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
    The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
    In a congregation of 500 members, there are only
seven last names in the church directory.

8. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
     People think "rapture" is what you get when you
lift something too heavy.

9. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
    ; ; The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "
Wheeling " washtub.

10. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
      The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered
with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
      The collection plates are really hubcaps from a
'56 Chevy.

12. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
      Instead of a bell you are called to service by a
duck call.

13. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
     The minister and his wife drive matching pickup
trucks.

14. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
      The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled
Pink".

15. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
      "Thou shall not covet" applie s to huntin' dogs,
too.

16. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
      The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all
come back now, ya hear".

        God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!

[Recklessrob]

Don't Fart in Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.  The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of Farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
    He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.  The years went by and he continued to blast them out!
    Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.  
    She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
    Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
    The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!  After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
    He said, 'Honey, you were right.' 'All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'  'What do you mean?' asked his wife.  'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up Farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
    But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[Recklessrob]

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:

Do NOT lose your grandkids in the Mall!!!!! My grandson got away from
me Sunday at the mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,


"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

[Recklessrob]

SYNAGOGUE TAX AUDIT
 
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
 
"I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
 
"Good question", noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers,
and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
 
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question ha d a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious Way:
 
"What about all these biscuit purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs?"
 
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector
was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
 
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers,
and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
 
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
  < BR>"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
 
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.
 
 "What we do is save up all the foreskins
and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[TSM Girl]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

[TSM Girl]

Dictionary Definitions:

Words for the Sexes: DICTIONARY FOR INTERPRETING
WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish...........................49
Adventurous... .............. .....Slept with everyone
Athletic...... .............. .....No tits
Average looking....... ...........Ugl y
Beautiful..... .............. .....Pathologi cal liar
Contagious Smile......... ........Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure........ .......On medication
Feminist...... .............. .....Fat
Free spirit........ .............. Junkie
Friendship first......... ........Former ****
Fun........... .............. .....Annoying
New-Age..........................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned....................No BJs
Open-minded......................Desperate
Outgoing...... .............. .....Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.... .............. .....Sloppy drunk
Professional.. .............. .....*****
Voluptuous.... .............. .....Very Fat
Wants Soul mate.......... ........Stalke r


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want . . .
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6.We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all
you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 4a nice pants=nice ass
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay


 :rofl;