IHADAV8.com - Turbo Buick Tech, and Nonsense
General => IHADAV8 Playground => Topic started by: Recklessrob on January 15 2008, 12:51:28 PM
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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest w ay to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pr egnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with.. "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....
Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
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Those are GREAT! :rofl;
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Here I will add one........... ......
How do you know that a blonde is confused?????? She is holding a tampon and does not know where her pencil is.
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Oh shit... the final nails in the board's coffin. Just keep Robert out of this thread, for the love of God.
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Robert who? Is he still alive?
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Those are some good ones RR and TSM!! :rofl; :rofl; :rofl;
Did y'all hear the one about the Chinese man who woke his wife up at 4 in the morning and asked for some 69??? She replied "You want shrimp and fried rice NOW????"
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A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Walmart with her two kids.
The Walmart greeter, asks "Are they twins"?
The ugly woman says "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's
7.
"Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
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This thread is open to equal opportunity offendaz !
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lol!!! TSMG, the second one was funny as shit!!
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A Chicago Cubs scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play baseball and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the states.
Two weeks later the Cubs are in a close game with the Indians. The manager gives the young Iraqi reliever the nod and on he goes.
The kid is a sensation, he strikes out everyone he faces for the rest of the game and wins it for the Cubs! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media loves the new star.
When the player comes off the field he phones his mom to tell her about his first day in the Majors.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for three innings today, I was called from the bullpen with the bases loaded but I struck out everyone I faced, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and gang raped, and your brother was beaten severely by a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mom, "It's your damn fault we moved to Chicago in the first place!"
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Bathroom Conv at Rest Area
I was barely sitting down on the toilet when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
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TSMG that was FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!! :rofl; :rofl; :rofl; :rofl; :rofl;
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I have many more. lol :rofl;
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New Parrot:
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad,"
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.
A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores... ...same old faces. Hi Ray."
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>A woman walks into her doctor's office, scared of the strange development
>recent to the inside of her thighs... a green spot on the inside of each.
> They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting
> worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of this, and that
> she
> needn't worry until tests come back.
> He sends her home. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her
> relief, it's the doctor.
> She immediately begs to know what's going on with these spots?
> "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering: is your
> boyfriend a Harley guy?" the doctor asks.
> "Yes-----how did you know?"
> "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
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Anatomy of observation -
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started
the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2
important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted
by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor
pulled back the sheet,stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse,
withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"
he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the
dead body and licking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor
looked at them and said: "The second most important quality is
observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention."
:rofl;
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A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town. He probably would have settled on any truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look," she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 4 seconds. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.
Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Or Give Things to Your Wife Foundation."
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:rofl; :rofl; :rofl; You didn't lie.....you said you had a bunch of good ones!!!!! :rofl; :rofl; :rofl;
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One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mommy before he goes to work.
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,
"Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!"
:rofl;
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WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly
Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his
head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, I think Sal is dead!
What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay, he's definitely dead ... now what?"
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:rofl; :snakeman:
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Cowboy: "That your dog?"
Zap: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Zap: "The dog doesn't talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Zap: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Virginian your owner?" (Pointing at Zap...)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."
Zap: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Zap: "The horse doesn't talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Zap: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to Zap...)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down
often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Zap: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Zap: "The sheep are liars."
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This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving
an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features
an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make
a decision. Remember your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Miami, Florida . There is chaos all around you caused by a
hurricane with severe flooding. Th is is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, caught in the
middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to
shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
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THE TEST
Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying
not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer and she looks familiar.
You suddenly realize it's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that
the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two
options:
You can save the life of Hillary Clinton or you can shoot a dramatic
Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's
most powerful women.
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THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer......
"Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?"
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Classic simplicity of black and white. It's what Brian would do.....probabl y with some lighting effects of some sort.
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I would pick color and zoom in real close to make sure and catch every detail of the facial expressions just before she goes under.
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Engine Trouble
Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another hour. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."
Sherry, a young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and sighed, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
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I would pick color and zoom in real close to make sure and catch every detail of the facial expressions just before she goes under.
:rofl; I knew you would say something like that........tr ue, so true.
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A Blonde on horseback
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse
immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but
the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down
the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its
slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap a way
from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become
entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves
as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousnes s when to her great fortune.....
Bryan, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello
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LOL Bryan saved the day!!
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lol, good one!
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A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector
light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there
sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
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REDNECK CHURCH
1. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for
the purchase of a chandelier because none of the
members knows how to play one.
2. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
People ask when they learn that Jesus fed the
5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and
what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to
help take up the offering," five guys and two women
stand up.
4. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.
5. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
A member of the church requests to be buried in
his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been
in a hole it couldn't get out of."
6. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only
seven last names in the church directory.
8. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you
lift something too heavy.
9. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
; ; The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "
Wheeling " washtub.
10. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered
with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a
'56 Chevy.
12. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a
duck call.
13. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup
trucks.
14. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled
Pink".
15. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
"Thou shall not covet" applie s to huntin' dogs,
too.
16. You know you're in a Redneck Church if.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all
come back now, ya hear".
God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!
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Don't Fart in Bed
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of Farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, 'Honey, you were right.' 'All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.' 'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up Farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
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ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:
Do NOT lose your grandkids in the Mall!!!!! My grandson got away from
me Sunday at the mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."
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SYNAGOGUE TAX AUDIT
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers,
and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question ha d a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious Way:
"What about all these biscuit purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector
was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers,
and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
< BR>"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins
and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.
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Dictionary Definitions:
Words for the Sexes: DICTIONARY FOR INTERPRETING
WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish...........................49
Adventurous... .............. .....Slept with everyone
Athletic...... .............. .....No tits
Average looking....... ...........Ugl y
Beautiful..... .............. .....Pathologi cal liar
Contagious Smile......... ........Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure........ .......On medication
Feminist...... .............. .....Fat
Free spirit........ .............. Junkie
Friendship first......... ........Former ****
Fun........... .............. .....Annoying
New-Age..........................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned....................No BJs
Open-minded......................Desperate
Outgoing...... .............. .....Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.... .............. .....Sloppy drunk
Professional.. .............. .....*****
Voluptuous.... .............. .....Very Fat
Wants Soul mate.......... ........Stalke r
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want . . .
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6.We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all
you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 4a nice pants=nice ass
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
:rofl;